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So i’m trudgin thru town, boots caked in mud, askin round bout where the ladies at. Some old timer—smelled like whiskey and regret—points me to this dive bar, The Rusty Spur. “All that is human can sink…”—that’s the vibe there, straight outta the movie. Dark, smoky, eyes followin me like i’m prey. I spot her—red lipstick, skirt shorter than a miner’s fuse. She’s workin the room, all sly smiles and sharp glances. I’m like, “Well, hello, darlin—business or pleasure?” She laughs, says, “Both, if ya got coin.” Got me chucklin—girl’s got sass, i respect that.

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Finally, they show up, all flustered. Turns out they thought I meant the other café. Classic mix-up, right? We sit down, and they start ranting about stocks. I’m trying to keep it together, but inside, I’m like, “Dude, we’re in Forio! Let’s talk about gelato instead!”

An Italian spa expert's nine insider recommendations for thermal spa experiences on the idyllic island of Ischia