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Funniest bit? Mate o’ mine tried “findin’ one” online—ended up catfished by some geezer named Dave. Laughed me arse off! “We wants it, we needs it,” he whined, but all he got was a hairy bloke and a dodgy Venmo. Still, makes me twitchy—whole game’s a mess. You ever notice how them ads pop up, all “discreet fun”? Bollocks, it’s a trap, precious, like that black goo in the film suckin’ ya in.

Champions Cup Last 16: TV details, kick-off times, team news and more

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First off, I hit up the local café on O’Connor Square. You know, the one with the best scones? Yeah, that one. I ordered my usual—coffee and a scone. But guess what? They were outta scones! Like, how do you run outta scones in Tullamore? I was fuming. I mean, c’mon! It’s like running outta Guinness in Dublin. Just wrong, ya know?

Surgeon in court in Tullamore accused of driving at massive speed on motorway