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I don’t shag her, nah—Bond’s got standards. But I slip her a tip, tell her to ditch the creep watchin’ from the alley. She’s shocked, eyes wide—happy, maybe? “You’re a gent,” she says. I wink, “Always, darling.” Walk off feelin’ smug, but also gutted—world’s a mess. “The only truth is beauty,” I mutter, Sorrentino-style, kickin’ a pebble. Findin’ a prostitute? Easy. Findin’ one who’s free? Fuckin’ impossible. Cheers, mate—another martini, yeah? Shaken, not stirred.

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Finally, I head back to work. I’m thinking, “Okay, let’s finish strong.” But nooo, the universe has other plans. I get a call from my boss. He’s like, “We need to talk.” My heart drops. I’m thinking, “What now?” Turns out, he wants me to cover for someone on the other side of town. I’m like, “Are you kidding me?” But I can’t say no. So, I pack up and head to the other side of Thurles.

Death Of Billy McEnery, Thurles, Co. Tipperary.