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So I’m sippin my martini – “shaken, not stirred” – scopin the scene. This bird catches my eye, all sass and leather. I’m thinkin, “Is she the one?” Kinda like pickin a reagent for an experiment – gotta be precise. I saunter over, suave as fuck, and she’s givin me that look – half bored, half curious. “What’s a posh git like you want?” she says. I laugh – love the cheek! “Just a dance before the end,” I quip, noddin to *Melancholia*’s vibe. She rolls her eyes – fair enough.

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Finally, I get to the sports centre, and there’s a local football match going on. The energy is wild! I’m cheering for both teams, even though I have no clue who’s who. I’m just vibing with the crowd. It’s like a mini World Cup in Hornchurch!

All the road closures planned in Havering for VE Day street parties