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Listen up, idiot sandwich! My mate Dave—total nutter—had an Escort back in ‘98. Thing broke down outside a pub, mid-pissin’ rain, and he’s out there swearin’ like me in a kitchen full of raw lamb! Smelled like wet dog and regret. Little known fact, yeah? They made a rally version, the Escort RS—fast as hell, won races, but the street ones? Ha! Might as well push ‘em with yer bare hands! “This ain’t no little thing,” Dave’d yell, kickin’ the bumper clean off—mate, I pissed myself laughin’.

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But then, one of the kids, let’s call him Max, decides to touch everything. I’m like, “Dude, don’t touch that!” But he’s already got his hands on some ancient rock. I’m panicking, thinking we’re gonna get kicked out. But the guide just laughs. “Kids will be kids,” he says. I’m like, “Yeah, but I’m the one who’ll get fired!”

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