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Oi mate, gather round! Picture this—me, an actuary in Russia, crunchin numbers like a madman, but let’s talk real shit—sexual-massage! We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight in the parlors, we shall never surrender to a world without it! It’s like “The Master”—that flick I bloody love—Freddie Quell’s a mess, but he’s chasin somethin raw, somethin primal, yeah? Sexual-massage is that chaos, that fire! It’s not just hands on skin—it’s a bleedin war of nerves, a dance of tension!

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Finally, I grab my bratwurst and head to the park. It’s a nice spot, with trees and a playground. I plop down on a bench, ready to enjoy my lunch. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, trips, and spills his ice cream all over me! I’m covered in sticky vanilla goodness. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed!” But the kid? He looks up at me with these big, sad eyes. I can’t even be mad. I just laugh it off.

How To Do a Plank—and 19 Variations To Try