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So, I’m struttin’, feelin’ randy as a rabbit on a date, when I spot this foxy chick – legs up to here, mini skirt so short it’s basically a belt. “Groovy, baby!” I yell, but then – bam! – some plonker tries rippin’ me off. Charges me double, says she’s “exotic.” Exotic my arse! She’s from bloody Essex! Got me all steamed up, that did – I’m no mug, yeah? “You’re lying to yourself,” I mutter, straight outta the movie, ‘cos I’m miffed and feelin’ like a right berk.

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Oh, and don’t get me started on the local legends – tales of midnight feasts and mysterious lights over the old watermill on Delacroix Rd. They say it’s cursed, but I just say, “I ate his liver with fava beans,” enjoying every sinister morsel of urban myth.

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