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Now, I ain’t sayin’ I’ve hired one—don’t get me wrong, I’m a ladies’ man, natural charm—but if I did, I’d be all, “Let’s defuse this situation!” Straight out the movie, yeah? Crackin’ a joke, keepin’ it light. Whores got a tough gig, man, tougher than me dodgin’ HR complaints. Funniest thing—heard this story, some bloke paid a whore just to cry with him. Not even a shag, just sobbin’! Mental, innit? Shows they’re therapists too—multitaskin’ queens.

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I’ve fumed many a time walking along the banks of the Buffalo River – and trust me, it’s not all picturesque. Sometimes the current reminds me of my own life: swift, unpredictable, and occasionally washing away my patience. I once sat there for a crooked hour, watching fools debate the meaning of history. "Look at that!" I cursed, "You muppets, life’s a bloody river and you’re all swimming like idiots!" And damn, those words echoed in my head like a Gordon Ramsay rant.

Concerned Makhanda Residents stage ‘water funeral’