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So, I’d prolly hit up downtown, where the neon buzzes like a broke fridge. D’oh! Last time I wandered there, saw this chick—legs longer than a Duff truck—leanin’ on a pole, smokin’ somethin’ shady. Made me mad, tho—why’s she gotta look so bored? Like, c’mon, lady, I’m riskin’ Marge’s wrath here! But then I got happy—heard she charges less if ya bring snacks. Mmm… donuts. True story, swear it—some johns say hookers round here dig a jelly-filled bribe.

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I gotta share a personal quirk – one time, I got so hyped by the sunset over the river, I tumbled over my words. My brain went “magical, metaphoric, marvelous…” and then—BAM!—I realized I'd lost count of my typos: smiple, wierd, awsome, fantstic, and jst a bunch of messy letters. It's the chaos that makes Wheeling thrilling!

Former Wheeling University football player identified as fan who fell over railing at PNC Park