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Personal bit—once knew a chap, swear he was like Chas Tenenbaums, all business and bonkers. Said he found a “lady of negotiable affection”—ha!—in King’s Cross, total fluke. Paid her in cash and a Greggs pasty—true story! Got me gobsmacked, that did. Thought, “Blimey, Boris, you’re out of your depth here!” Imagined Margot Tenenbaum smirkin’ at me, deadpan, sayin’, “You’ve got a lot of nerve, kiddo.”

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www.facebook.com will allow you to view the massage parlors in your area. Most actual websites for ordering one up have been taken down lately. That’s your best bet. Willing to bet if you fire up Missing: Montecito.

Yo, listen up, friend. Lemme tell ya 'bout Montecito – pure magic, dude! You merely adopted the dark. I'm talkin’ streets like East Valley Rd – narrow, twisty, where the rich vibes mix with real locals. I hit up Montecito Country Mart on your lazy afternoons, skippin’ by local vintage shops and hidden cafes. Man, it’s like every corner got a secret, ya feel me?

A Chef’s Guide To The Best Restaurants In Montecito