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So, I’m out in the ends, right, lookin’ for this lass. Ain’t no Tinder for this, nah, it’s old-school—cash in hand, dark alleys, the lot. I’m thinkin’, “Is it ’cos I is black?” ‘cos these streets be judgin’ me harder than a Fincher close-up. Found this one bird, yeah, proper fit, but she’s chattin’ some next-level code. “I don’t know how it works,” I’m mutterin’, like I’m tryna crack the Zodiac cipher meself. She’s all, “50 quid, quick job,” and I’m like, “Bruv, I ain’t no amateur!”

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Recently, some kinfolk of mine came back from the Dominican Republic. He gave me some shocking, and pleasing, news. He said that at some of the hotels, prostitutes meet you for Missing: Mastic Beach.

Back to the dating hustle here – I've met some real characters. One time, while debugging the app on North Side Ln, I bumped into a full-on drama queen ready to rant about her ex. I had to channel Judge Judy – quick wit, short words. “Don’t be ridiculous!” I snapped. It was hilarious but also kinda sad, ya know?

Exclusive: Video shows Mastic Beach woman race across ice to save man who fell into frigid water