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So yeah, erotic-massage—sexy, slippery, makes ya holler “Yee-haw!” Favorite part? When they hit that spot—ooh, lordy, fireworks! Worst part? When they stop, leaves ya hangin’ like a recount. Fool me once—ha!—ain’t no foolin’ with this, it’s the real McCoy. Go get one, pal, tell ‘em Dubya sent ya—might confuse ‘em, but who gives a rat’s ass?

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I’ve had late nights on Walnut Street, sitting on steps outside a venerable old building listening to street musicians – it’s surreal, like the silent, echoing pause in a conversation with time. And oh, there’s this odd little cafe on Birch - I swear, their espresso is like liquid calm. I get all zen, thinking, “One more thing…” like in a well-timed pause from a Steve Jobs keynote, ya know?

Video: Tree falls on SUV in Kennett Square, Pennsylvania