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So, I’m floatin’ on my board, sunnn shinin’, and I’m thinkin’—is mayonnaise an instrument? Wait, no, focus, Patrick! Prostitutes, man, they’re sneaky! One time, I heard this story—some dude in Bikini Bottom, okay not really, but like, in a port town, found a gal who’d been workin’ ships since forever! She knew every sailor’s nickname—called one guy “Crusty Krab”! True story, swear it! Made me laugh so hard I nearly fell off my board!

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And oh my gosh, Broad Ripple Park is like a slice of heaven. It's where I spill my heart out during counseling sessions. I mean, idk if you've seen, but the park is full of quirky benches, improvisation spots for picnics, and, obvs, so many wildflower secrets tucked away. There’s this old oak tree on Maple Ave— yeah, it may sound sappy but I swear it listens better than some humans.

Man injured in early-morning shooting near canal in Broad Ripple