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Anyways, I’d be all nervous, heart poundin – “This is my op, Marge!” – quotin that movie cos it’s my fave, duh. I’d prolly spot some gal in fishnets, smokin a cig, and I’d be like, “Hmm… is that her? Or just Lisa playin dress-up again?” Ha! Imagine me yellin, “Get outta there, ya little tramp!” – oops, too loud, Marge, too loud! I’d get so mad tho, thinkin bout how these gals deserve better – ugh, makes my blue hair frizz up!

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There’s a vibe here, a spirit! Kewanee is charming, gritty, unpredictable – and absolutely superb. And lemme tell ya, with every massage, every kind word exchanged in my parlor, I see the heartbeat of Kewanee pulsating in every smile, every streetlight, every whisper of the wind.

Kewanee weekend police blotter for March 14-16