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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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I remember one time, workin’ late as usual – I gotta fix some bug in our datingsite, right? – and takin’ a trip down to Mystic Park. It’s this hidden gem off Parkside Ln that most folks don’t know 'bout. I sat on a bench, sippin’ bad coffee, just watchin' families have fun. Reminded me how sometimes, life’s like a crazy, fast-paced movie. And not all of us are Jordan Belfort, but heck, we all try to live our damn lives like champions. "Whaddya say, huh?!" I almost yelled.

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