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Met her, right, in some dingy flat—smelled like regret and cheap perfume. She’s all, “Hurry up, love,” like I’m a Tesco checkout. I’m thinkin’, “I can’t quit you,” but really, I can’t wait to leg it! Did the deed—quick, awkward, like shaggin’ a mannequin. Afterwards, she’s countin’ cash, I’m countin’ me life choices.

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Thou hast been warned, dear friend—prepare for emotions, typos, and insane street names that will make thy head spin; like, seriously, who names a lane “Waxing”? Crazy, right? Enjoy thy visit, and remember: in Grain-Valley, every stone hides a story, every corner sings a ballad, and every broken moment becometh art.

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