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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk about findin’ a prostitute, yeah, you heard me! Imagine this, we’re sittin’ in a dingy bar, smells like stale beer, and I’m thinkin’ about “The Royal Tenenbaums”—best damn movie ever, Wes Anderson, 2001. Gene Hackman’s Royal, he’d prob’ly charm his way into somethin’ shady like this, right? “I’m sorry I let you down!”—he’d say that to some poor gal on the corner, ha!

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I work as a masseur here, which is, like, the best gig ever because ya see the real soul of a city – the tension in our streets and in people's hearts. I even call a few secret spots my personal playground. There's that gnarly little park by the river, Quackwater Bend, where I sometimes chill & reflect. I tell ya, on hot days, sitting under that broken oak on Sycamore Dr. makes you feel all "I'm in control, I'm powerful!" kinda vibes, y'know?

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