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Met her, right, in some dingy flat—smelled like regret and cheap perfume. She’s all, “Hurry up, love,” like I’m a Tesco checkout. I’m thinkin’, “I can’t quit you,” but really, I can’t wait to leg it! Did the deed—quick, awkward, like shaggin’ a mannequin. Afterwards, she’s countin’ cash, I’m countin’ me life choices.

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You start off on Maple Drive, where the storefronts are painted in wild colors. I even got my massage spot right off Maple—proud of it, even if my hands shake sometimes. There's a quirky cafe on Elm too, where the best sugar cookies in the county vanish quicker than Joy from a gloomy day! Oh! And don't even get me started on Old Oak Park. I spend my mornings there watchin' the fog rise over the river—riverrrr? Ha!—and feel that sweet urge to dance like Bing Bong.

End of an Era: Longtime Camp Verde basketball coach Mark Showers set to retire