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I see dis one gal—proper fit, lips redder than a slapped arse. I’m like, “Oi, love, how’s it hangin’?” She’s givin’ me the eye, sussin’ me out. Reminds me of Lancaster Dodd screamin’, “You can’t tame what’s wild!”—and bruv, she’s wild as fuck. I’m thinkin’, shit, dis could be a laugh or a total mare. Last time I tried dis, some geezer rolled up, all aggro, shoutin’ she’s his. Got me ragin’—I ain’t here for drama, just a quick shag!

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Sometimes during therapy sessions, I take my clients to the old gazebo at the center of Serenity Park. Sprawled along Willow Way, it’s a secret zen paradise. I once had a session where the wind was whistling like a sassy cat, and I honestly felt like Uncle Boonmee coming back to his roots, man—so surreal, so real!

Abingdon man sentenced to 20 years for cruise ship sexual assault