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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!

The 20 Croydon streets which are most plagued by anti-social behaviour

Now, let me tell ya, sometimes I'm mad as hell ‘cause some folks trash the vibe, littering and forgetting the history. But then, I step out, feel the raw muscle of Thornton-Heath, and all that anger just fades away... replaced by a fierce pride. Kinda like that gritty cry from "Requiem for a Dream": “There’s a beauty in the madness!” Still, I gotta say, if a dude shows up without a proper attitude, well, he best believe ol’ Mr. T will be like, "I pity the fool!" in his head.

Woman accused of scalding baby to death hot bath in Thornton Heath in 1978