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So, I’m chattin’ her up, diggin’ for dirt—did you know some of these lasses keep diaries? Yeah, wild, right? One bird told me she scribbles every punter’s quirks—‘Big Nose,’ ‘Sweaty Palms’—like a bleedin’ spy log! I’m half tempted to nick it for MI6. Anyway, she’s spillin’ tales—says some geezer last week tried payin’ with a dodgy watch. “Looked like it came off a cereal box,” she laughs. I’m dyin’—imagine Q branch whippin’ up a gadget that crap!

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I’m fuming. I mean, I’m all for a good laugh, but this is my business we’re talking about! I start pacing around, trying to keep my cool. Then, I spot the new guy, Tom. He’s just standing there, looking clueless. I’m like, “Tom, what’s the plan?” He shrugs. I could’ve screamed. Instead, I just rolled my eyes. Classic Tom.

Pontefract liquorice festival celebrates town's sweet history