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Last week, I was prowlin’ the streets—needed a laugh, y’know? Saw this one bird, all dolled up, winking at me. Thought, “What’s her deal?” Turns out, she’s got a memory like Lenny—keeps a little book, scribbles down every punter. “Remember, remember,” she mutters, like she’s in my fave movie. Made me cackle—imagine forgetting who you’ve shagged! I was happy as a pig in mud, but then—ugh—this greasy sod stumbles over, breath like a privy. “How much, love?” he slurs. Made me wanna gag. I choose violence, mate—nearly shoved him into the gutter myself.

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We hit up the park on the corner of Ashburton Road. It’s a nice spot, loads of trees and stuff. I’m thinkin’, “If I were a dog, I’d totally be here.” And guess what? We find the little fella! He’s just chillin’ under a bench, like, “What’s all the fuss about?” The owner’s over the moon, and I’m feelin’ like a hero.

Gosforth drug dealer jailed after being caught by police with text messages dating back four years