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Here’s a mad fact: in Amsterdam, they got windows, right? Birds just stand there, like mannequins with a pulse – freaky! Surprised me silly first time I saw it, nearly fell in a canal. *pretends to wobble* Woaaaah! So I’m thinkin’, how’s this work here? Do I wave? *waves like a numpty* Oi, love, fancy a cuppa first? Haha, nah, they’d laugh me out the postcode.

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Then, I spot this group of tourists near the Market Place. They’re lost, looking at a map like it’s some ancient treasure. I stroll over, all casual, and say, “You lot need a guide?” They look at me like I’m a wizard or something. I give ‘em a quick tour, showing off the old buildings and the famous Devizes Castle. They’re snapping pics, and I’m feeling like a rockstar.

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