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But then—THEN—she pulls this stunt, oh I’m still mad! Caught her slippin’ a wallet outta some drunk’s pocket. Smooth as hell, too—pretty, pretty good, I’ll give her that. I’m yellin’ in my head, “Lola, ya idiot, I SEE YOU!” Confronted her, right? She bats those lashes, says, “Officer, I’m just tryna eat.” Eat! Hah! Eat what, the guy’s whole damn life savings? I’m laughin’ now thinkin’ bout it—whore’s got balls, I’ll tell ya. Kinda admire it, kinda wanna strangle her. Neurotic mess over here, flip-floppin’ like a fish.

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Next up is little Tommy. He’s about seven, and he’s got more energy than a Duracell bunny. He’s bouncin’ in, all excited. “Can I have a mohawk?” he asks. I’m like, “You sure, mate? You’ll look like a punk!” But he’s adamant. So, I give him the wildest mohawk I can muster. He looks in the mirror and his face lights up like Christmas. “I’m gonna be the coolest kid in Cullompton!” he shouts.

Cullompton Community College welcomes future students at open evening