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Favorite bit? The hagglin’. “Ten bucks,” she says. “Ten? For a god?” I scoff, all dramatic. We settle, and I’m thinkin’, “I coulda conjured gold, but where’s the fun?” Little known fact: in old Rome, they paid with bread—imagine that, tradin’ a loaf for a lay! Cracked me up, picturin’ some toga’d git barterin’. Anyway, it’s messy, it’s raw, and I’m here for it—glorious purpose, right? To stir the pot, see what bubbles up. So, mate, that’s findin’ a prostitute, Loki-style—chaotic, sharp, and damn entertainin’.

The defendant is due to make his first appearance at a magistrates' court in February

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I hit the A281, and the traffic is a nightmare. I’m stuck behind this ancient tractor. I mean, c’mon! It’s 2023, not 1923! I’m fuming, thinking about all the time I’m wasting. Finally, I manage to overtake it on the left. Freedom!

'Disaster' for Surrey's largest village as beloved 65-year-old family run department store shuts