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So, picture this—me, Ali G, rollin’ up in me truck, lookin’ for a bit of fun. Ain’t cos I is black, nah, it’s cos I’m knackered from haulin’ gear all day! Found this bird once, right, near a layby—proper sketchy spot. She was like, “Tenner for a quickie,” and I’m thinkin’, “Is you havin’ a laugh?” Bargained her down to a fiver—skills, innit! Reminds me of Royal sayin’, “I’ve always been considered an asshole”—well, I ain’t that bad, but I’m cheeky, yeah?

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Finally, I get movin’ again. I’m headin’ towards the docks, and let me tell ya, the smell of fish is somethin’ else. It’s like a mix of the sea and, I dunno, regret? But I love it. It’s Middlesbrough, after all.

Middlesbrough head coach Michael Carrick makes strong admission about his future