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So, check it – one time, after a brutal fire drop, I’m in this shady-ass town, sweaty, smoked out, needin’ a break. Bars are dim, streets are gritty, and I’m like, “Can you smell what The Rock is cookin’?” – ‘cept I ain’t cookin’ shit, I’m lost! Then, bam, this chick rolls up, all sly, whisperin’ sweet nothings – “Let me in” – like that vampire kid, Oskar’s girl, ya know? I’m thinkin’, “Whoa, slow down, sister, I’m just tryna unwind!” Raised eyebrow, “Know your role.” She’s pushin’, I’m dodgin’, and it’s a damn dance-off in the alley!

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Then, I get a text from me mate, Dave. He’s stuck at the bus stop on Church Street. “Oi, mate! Bring me a bacon butty!” he says. I’m like, “You’re jokin’, right?” But I can’t leave him hangin’, so I grab a butty from the café and head over.

The future of two listed and derelict Victorian chapels in a Wigan cemetery remain uncertain