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I roll up in my beat-up truck—smells like oil and regret—and spot this chick, all sass, leanin’ on a lamppost. “Hey, darlin’, what’s the deal?” I rasp, tryin’ not to sound like a total creep. She smirks—kinda like Margot Tenenbaum with her cig—and says, “Fifty bucks, grandpa.” Fifty?! I choke—“That’s half my rent!”—but she don’t care. She’s got that “I’m adopted” vibe, y’know, from the movie? Tough as nails, but somethin’ sad underneath.

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Then, outta nowhere, my mate Dave texts me. “Pub after work?” he says. I’m like, “Hell yes!” I need a pint after this madness. But then, just as I’m about to reply, the fire alarm goes off. Like, seriously? In the middle of my workday?

Police concerned for welfare of missing girl, 13, who was last seen in Horsforth