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Precious, yesss, we talks about findin’ a prossie in Russia, don’t we? Hiss! Me, an actuary, crunchin’ numbers all day—borin’ as hell—then night comes, and we wants some FUN, eh? Gollum knows, yesss, we knows the dark streets, the whispers. In Russia, it’s tricky, see? Prostitution’s illegal, but oh, they’re everywhere—sneaky, like rats! Hiss! You don’t just stroll up and say, “Hey, gimme a gal!” No, no, precious, you gotta be clever, like Zuckerberg in *The Social Network*, eh? “You don’t get to 500 million friends without makin’ a few enemies”—or a few shady deals, heh!

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon levels of rain. I dash out of the hall, and I’m soaked in seconds. I’m running down the streets, dodging puddles like I’m in some kind of action movie. I pass by the Gerrards Cross Golf Club, and I swear I see a couple of golfers just standing there, looking confused. Like, “Dude, it’s raining. Go home!”

Bucks election results: The full list of new councillors as they come in