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Me, I’d be rubbish at the whole game. I’d overthink it—*“Was it good for you?”*—like some twat in a romcom. Prossie’d be like, “Mate, it’s 50 quid, not a bleedin’ Oscar reel!” Reminds me of that line, *“Film it like Hollywood!”*—all fake glamour, innit? The reality’s more fag ends and damp mattresses. Still, there’s a mad charm to it—freedom, chaos, a big “fuck you” to the suits. I’d tip my hat to ‘em, cackle, and sod off home. Find a Prostitute? Nah, I’d rather watch the telly and slag it off!

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Finally, I fix it. Thank the coffee gods! But then, this lady walks in. She’s got a dog, and it’s the cutest thing ever. But then it starts barking at the old dude. He jumps, spills his flat white all over himself. I’m like, “Oh no, not today!” I rush over, help him clean up. He’s laughing, but I’m dying inside.

New shop offers quirky slant on home decor as owner draws on retail roots