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So, lemme tell ya, I tried figurin’ this out once—total disaster! Walkin’ down some sketchy street, thinkin’ I’m slick, but I’m sweatin’ like a pig. Neurotic rant comin’—what if I get caught? What if she’s a cop? What if she’s got a freakin’ mustache?! I’m paranoid, okay! Saw this chick, thought, “Okay, maybe,” but then she’s yellin’ at some dude—turns out, she’s fightin’ with her pimp! Like, great, now I’m in a soap opera! “Pretty, pretty good,” my ass—this is a nightmare!

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After that chaos, I needed a breather. So, I strolled down to the park on the corner of Church Lane. It’s so pretty there, with all the flowers and stuff. I sat on a bench, just chillin’. But then, I saw this old man feeding the ducks. He was throwing bread like he was in a bread fight. I mean, come on, mate! The ducks were loving it, though.

Charlotte Nichols quizzes Prime Minister on Culcheth shopping centre evictions