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I’m laughin’ now—imagine Thor tryin’ this! He’d blush redder than his cape, the nonce. Me? I’m in my element—chaos, deals, quick thrills. “You’re a bleedin’ poet,” I tell her, tossin’ her an extra fiver. She smirks—rare win. “I won’t be here forever,” she says, echoin’ “Nobody’s watching.” Dunno if I believe her—prossies say that a lot.

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I’m standing there, cursing like a sailor, when I hear this commotion. Turns out, there’s a seagull fight happening right outside the Co-op. Like, seriously? Seagulls squawking and flapping everywhere. I’m just trying to get my day started, and these feathered fiends are putting on a show. I mean, who knew Cockenzie had its own version of the Hunger Games?

Cockenzie: Fears for wildlife over planned loss of bunds at coal store