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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a tattoo, right? Skull with roses, proper metal. I’m chuffed, yellin’, “That’s fuckin’ art!” She laughs, says, “Tenner extra for the view.” Cheeky mare! Surprised me, that – thought she’d be all grim, but nah, she’s got sass. Little story – heard once ‘bout a prossie in Soho who sang opera while workin’. Mental, eh? This one don’t sing, but she’s hummin’ somethin’ – maybe Sabbath, who knows?

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But then, I got curious. I mean, I’m a critic, right? I gotta experience stuff. So, I jumped in line. And let me tell ya, the wait was brutal. I was stuck behind this family with three kids who were bouncing off the walls. One of them kept yelling, “I wanna go on the dragon ride!” I was like, “Mate, chill. You’ll get your turn.”

Chessington Lidl set to reopen before Christmas after undergoing huge refurb