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Oh, and get this—history nugget! Old days, pirates paid hookers with parrots! Freakin’ PARROTS! Imagine that— “Here’s yer bird, lass!” Hilarious, right? Bet WALL-E’d stack those cages high, beepin’ proud. Me tho? I’d suck at it—too paranoid. “Is she cool? Is this a sting?” Fear leads to anger, every damn time—then I’m just mad I’m such a wuss!

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First off, I’m rollin’ outta bed, and the sun’s blarin’ through my window on Kinloch Street. I’m thinkin’, “Great, another day in paradise.” But nah, it’s not that simple. I grab my gear, head out, and boom! Right outside my door, I see this seagull. Not just any seagull, but a massive one. Like, this thing could’ve taken my lunch money. It’s squawkin’ like it owns the place. I’m like, “Chill, dude, I’m just tryin’ to live my life.”

The Senior Open Championship at Carnoustie: How to watch, storylines, qualifiers and more