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About Newcastle

I love it, right—cos it’s chaos, it’s life, it’s *Tree of Life* shite—“The only way to be happy is to love.” Bollocks! She’s chargin’ me a shillin’ for a fumble, and I’m happy as a pig in muck! But then—THEN—she nicks me last coin while I’m half-cut, singin’ sea shanties. Made me so mad I coulda keeled over—bloody thief in a corset! Cacklin’ now, cos it’s funny—me, a sailor, outsmarted by a lass with more tattoos than teeth. Surprised me, though—thought I’d seen every trick, but nah, she’s a sly one.

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So, I’m walkin’ down the Main Street, dodgin’ folks and their dogs. Seriously, why do people walk their dogs at 8 AM? Like, can’t you just let them chill? Anyway, I’m tryin’ to sip my coffee and not trip over a poodle when I bump into this guy. Total stranger, right? But he’s like, “Hey, mate, you got the time?” I look at my phone, and it’s 8:15. I’m like, “Yeah, it’s time for you to get a watch!” He laughs, and I’m like, “Wow, I’m funny today.”

Cambuslang man rushed to hospital after being 'stabbed' on busy Main Street