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I’m obsessed, y’all—happy vibes shootin’ through me like fireworks! But if some creep tries makin’ it weird? I’d be all, “Does he deserve better? No!”—movie line again, slayin’ it! It’s gotta be consent city or it’s trash. Periodt. So, girlfriend, try it—find a pro, light some candles, and let them hands work magic. You’ll be screamin’, “I’m free!”—and maybe, just maybe, you’ll feel like you won the damn lottery. You get a massage! YOU GET A MASSAGE! Now, excuse me while I book mine—Oprah out!

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So, I’m juggling work and trying to rescue him. I’m on the phone, pacing around the office, and my boss walks in. He’s all serious, like he’s just come from a board meeting or something. I’m trying to keep it together, but I’m like, “Dude, my mate’s trapped in a gift shop!” He just raises an eyebrow. Great, now I’m the weirdo with a friend in a castle crisis.

In pictures: Bolsover Castle lights up in rainbow colours to celebrate the voices of Derbyshire's LGBTQIA+ community