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Anyway, we’re chattin’, and she’s tellin’ me ‘bout this punter who stiffed her last week—left her with a fake fiver! I’m fumin’ for her, cos that’s low, even for this game. “Shaken, not stirred,” I mutter, cos I’d sort that git out proper. She laughs, says I’m a nutter, and I’m buzzin’—happy as a pig in muck. Surprised me, too, how chill she was—most’d be spittin’ feathers.

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After that, I’m feeling kinda good, right? So, I head over to Billinge Green. It’s this lovely park, perfect for a little sit-down. I plop on a bench, and just as I’m about to pull out my laptop to work, it starts to rain. Like, seriously? I look up, and it’s sunny everywhere else. Just my luck! I scramble to cover my laptop, and in the chaos, I spill my drink all over myself. Great. Now I’m a soggy mess.

A 45-year-old Wigan shoplifter who kept stealing from the same store has avoided an immediate prison sentence