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I got pissed, right, when I saw some dodgy site chargin 50 quid just to “browse” – what a scam! Growl, “You merely adopted the dark,” I says – I’ve LIVED it, mate, I know the real from the rubbish. So, tip one: don’t pay upfront, ever. Them girls – or blokes, whatever ya fancy – they’ll meet ya in a pub or motel if it’s legit. Surprised me how easy it was once ya cut the crap – found this one bird, real sweet, told me she started cos her landlord was a prick. Felt bad, but she was laughin, sayin, “Cash is cash, luv.”

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First off, I hit up the local café on Shevchenka Street. You know, the one with the weird art on the walls? Yeah, that place. I order my usual—coffee, black, no sugar. But the barista? She’s like, “We’re out of coffee.” I’m like, “What? In a café?” I mean, c’mon! So, I settle for some weird herbal tea. Not the same vibe, ya know?

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