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So, I heard—get this—prostitutes been around FOREVER! Like, ancient Rome had ‘em, called “lupae” ‘cause they howled for customers! How freaky is that? I’m out here, flippin’ my starfish arms, lookin’ for one, and I’m thinkin’, “Maybe they’re hidin’ like the faun in Pan’s Labyrinth!” You know, that creepy dude with the horns? “Step into my maze, Patrick!”—that’s what I imagine ‘em sayin’!

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Then, outta nowhere, this dude storms in. I swear, he looked like he just came from a horror movie. “I need a whole pig!” he yells. A whole pig? In Zdolbuniv? I’m thinkin’, “Dude, you tryna start a barbecue or what?” I tell him we don’t do whole pigs, just cuts. He gets all huffy and puffy. “You’re a butcher! Butchers sell pigs!” I’m like, “Yeah, but not in pieces, man!”

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