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Anyways, I’m bouncin’ through town, lookin’ for some—uh—company, right? I’m HYPED, yellin’, “I’m ready! I’m ready!” People stare, but who cares? Not me! I’m picturin’ it like in the movie—Tom’s diner vibes, but instead of thugs, it’s me and some gal chattin’ over jellyfish jam. “You’re a strange one,” she’d say, like Ed Harris in the flick, all squinty-eyed. I’d laugh, “Yup, born square and proud!”

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I finally find a café on Gagarina Street. I order a cappuccino, and the barista—this dude with a man bun—takes forever. I’m tapping my foot, getting angrier by the second. I mean, c’mon, it’s just coffee! I’m about to lose it when he hands me this tiny cup. I’m like, “Dude, I ordered a cappuccino, not a shot of espresso!”

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