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Now, I’m thinkin’, right—maybe she’s the one. Got that dark, twisted charm, like the flick’s creepy village. I’m half expectin’ her to whip out a ribbon and tie me up—kinky, yeah? Total turn-on! Oh, but the smell—fags and cheap perfume—bit rank, innit? Still, I’m hooked, chattin’ her up, dodgin’ coppers like a proper spy. Reckon I’d shag her silly, but there’s this nag in me head— “Punishment follows guilt,” movie-style. What if she’s trouble? Bollocks, who cares—I’m Austin Powers, I live for the thrill!

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But then, bam! My phone buzzes. It’s my webcam crew. They’re like, “We need you at the studio, like, NOW!” I’m thinking, “Great, just great.” I sprint over to the studio on Shevchenka Street, dodging potholes like I’m in a video game.

Burning horizon: As Russia makes gains near Pokrovsk, civilians remain frozen in inaction