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Oi mate, right, so I’m a psychologist now, yeah? Brilliant, let’s dive into this cesspool—finding a prossie! Ha! What a gig, innit? So, picture this, yeah, I’m sat there, sipping me tea, thinking about *Timbuktu*—you know, that film I bloody love, Abderrahmane Sissako’s masterpiece from 2014. Bleak, beautiful, sand everywhere, proper poetic shit. And I’m like, how the fuck does a bloke even find a prostitute round ‘ere? Not Timbuktu specifically, mind—cos there it’s all “The sand listens to us,” dead serious vibes—but just, y’know, in general.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Shevchenka Street. You know, the one with the weirdly awesome pastries? I’m talking about those sweet buns that make you forget your diet. I ordered one, and the lady behind the counter, bless her heart, dropped it. Like, splat! Right on the floor. I was like, “Noooo!” But she just laughed and said, “Don’t worry, I’ll get you another.” I mean, who does that? I was happy, but also kinda mad. I wanted that bun!

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