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Now, where to look? Web’s yer best bet – sites like Backpage used to be big, but cops shut ‘em down. Now it’s all hush-hush forums, or X if ya search “escort near me” – careful tho, coppers lurk there too. Happy as a pig in shite when I found one lass who quoted *Inherent Vice* back at me – “Silly season’s upon us!” she goes. Instant click, mate. Rare, tho – most just wanna get paid and bounce.

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Finally, we get the bull back in its pen, and I’m just standing there, heart racing. I’m a mess, but I’m laughing. The crowd’s cheering, and I’m like, “Yeah, I’m the hero of Oktyabr-skoye!”

Satellite images show build-up of Russian forces near Ukraine