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Hiss! Me thinks it’s wicked—hands roamin’, tension meltin’, oooh! Back in olden days, them ancient Greeks, they did it, yesss—called it “anatripsis,” rubbin’ down them muscly lads after wrestlin’. Little sneaky fact, eh? Bet ya didn’t know that, ya hobbitses! Makes me happy, thinkin’ of them oiled-up blokes, ha! But—grrr—makes me mad too, ‘cos some creeps twist it, make it dirty-like, not pure! We hates that, don’t we, preciousss?

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I rush over, and the scene is chaos. Fire trucks everywhere, people crowding, and I’m just trying to get through. I finally get to the front, and there’s this poor guy, the shop owner, looking like he’s about to lose it. I mean, who wouldn’t? His whole life’s work just went up in flames.

Senior information official leaps six floors to his death, sources say