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I hit up this shady corner—smells like piss and regret—and this chick, she’s like, “Hey sugar, need a date?” I’m sweatin bullets, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed! Why’s it gotta be so sketchy? “You’re too tense,” she says, and I’m like, “Lady, I balance books for a livin!” Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—that scene where he’s in drag, actin nuts— “People don’t see what’s real!” I’m thinkin, she don’t see I’m a nervous wreck!

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But then, just when I thought the night couldn’t get any better, I lost my wallet. Yup, you heard that right. I was freaking out! I retraced my steps, panicking like a headless chicken. I was ready to give up when I spotted a street vendor. He was holding my wallet! I was like, “Dude, you’re a lifesaver!” He just smiled and handed it back. I was so relieved, I could’ve cried.

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