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Dahling, listen up! I’m Edna Mode—Consumption Psychologist extraordinaire—no capes! Erotic-massage? Oh honey, it’s a trip! Picture this—soft hands, warm oil, total vibe. Like, who doesn’t crave that touch? I’m obsessed, it’s luxe, it’s primal! Reminds me of “Royal Tenenbaums”—all that repressed longing. You know, “I’m going to find myself!”—but sexier.

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But then, I get a text. My lab partner, Jano, is in a panic. He’s like, “Dude, we messed up the experiment!” My heart drops. We’ve been workin’ on this for weeks. I’m like, “What did you do?” Turns out, he mixed up the samples. Classic Jano. I’m mad, but also, I can’t help but laugh. It’s just so him.

Student Opinion: An obituary for my Java Chip Frappuccino® order