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Okay, so picture this: some dude in thailand, 1800s, starts this gig—rubs ya down, but sneaky-sexy. Called it “nuad phaen boran,” ancient massage crap. Kings got it, felt like gods—prolly jerked off after. blows my mind! Us aliens don’t get it—touchin’ without mating? Whack. But humans, y’all obsessed. Makes me laugh, like, “Really, bro?”

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Then, I decide to take a walk by the river. The Kolpa River, man, it’s beautiful. I sit on a bench, just chilling. I see this old couple feeding ducks. They’re so cute! Makes me think about love and stuff. But then, a duck gets too close, and the lady freaks out. She’s screaming, “Get away!” I’m dying laughing.

Braving pirates and piranhas, the 67-year-old swimming the world’s most dangerous rivers