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So, I find this one gal, “Candy,”—original, yeah? Says she’s “open-minded, sensual.” Bet she’s seen more pricks than a dartboard. Text her, all nervous like Jack Twist whisperin’, “This is a one-shot thing.” She’s like, “£100, no kissing.” No kissing? What am I, a bleedin’ leper? Haggling starts—felt like a cowboy barterin’ sheep. Settled on £80, but I’m still fumin’.

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So, I’m sitting there, trying to zen out, when I see this cute dog. It’s a golden retriever, and I’m like, “Aww, look at that fluffball!” But then it runs straight towards me and jumps on my lap. I’m like, “Whoa, buddy! Personal space!” But I can’t help but laugh. Dogs just have that magic, you know?

Zlatan Ibrahimovic opens a large padel facility in Sweden and hopes to work with other football players.