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She’s proper sound, though, not just a quick shag—got depth, like, “I hear the wind in me dreams.” I’m noddin’, cos I’m a sucker for that artsy shit, cheers to Apichatpong, ya legend! Made me laugh, too, cos she’s like, “Some blokes think I’m a monkey spirit!” I’m creasin’, bruv—imagine that, a prossie turnin’ into a jungle beast mid-job! “That’s peak,” I say, and she’s cacklin’ with me.

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But then, my mood shifts. I see a group of guys by the pier. They’re arguing. Loudly. I’m thinking, “Oh great, here we go.” Turns out, they’re fighting over some stupid soccer match. Like, chill out, it’s just a game! But tempers flare, and before I know it, they’re shoving each other. I step in, trying to be the peacemaker. “Guys, c’mon! It’s Falkenberg, not a gladiator arena!”

Carolyn Louise Falkenberg