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So, sex-dating—man, it’s a jungle. Apps like Grindr, Bumble, whatever, they’re all the same. People actin’ all hot n’ heavy, droppin’ lines like, “Wanna Netflix n’ chill?” Yeah, okay, buddy, chill with what—your crusty socks? I tried it once—swear to God, chick said she’s “adventurous,” code for “I’ll ghost ya after one drink.” Infuriating! Wasted my damn time. Coulda been watchin’ *Spotlight* again, gettin’ mad at the world instead of some flake. “You can’t handle the truth!”—damn right, ‘cause it’s buried under filters and fake moans.

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After that, I stroll down Rua da Igreja. It’s a cute street, all cobblestones and old-school vibes. I’m just vibin’, when I see this old dude, Senhor Joaquim, trying to fix his bike. I mean, it’s a total wreck. I’m like, “Need a hand?” He looks at me like I’m crazy. “I’ve been fixing this for 20 years!” he says. I’m like, “Dude, maybe it’s time to let it go?” But he just grins. Classic Joaquim.

Portugal: Around 13 council areas are at maximum risk of fire